This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
