Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
