Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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