barbara walters just said penis...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
