i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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