i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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