dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Someone shattered a urinal.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
