and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
