i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
