i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
