Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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