Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
