Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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