i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
don't judge my taste in strippers
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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