"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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