Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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