I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
