Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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