at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
we should paint friendship bongs
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