I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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