Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
