I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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