I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
