someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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