i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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