He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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