I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
