remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
