just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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