Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
