I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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