My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
