Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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