my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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