1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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