My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
