I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
