oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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