Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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