somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
