My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
