That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
