one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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