I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize