I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize