So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
