sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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