And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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