I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize