Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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