i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
