just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
