You can't motorboat a personality
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
