I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
