i think my tv is drunk
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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